The Precipice of Fear vs. The Promise of Prayer

Less than 3 weeks.

In less than 3 weeks the Cox Clan will have a new member.

This is exciting - of course it is - but having a baby is also quite a scary venture. I think every family is a bit nervous about either the birth itself or simply the unknown reality of the new life to come. 

I have been pretty calm throughout this pregnancy, but I've now started worrying about all the things that could go wrong or that won't meet my expectations. The time has come for fear to walk alongside me like an old friend. 

And yet I hate fear. Typically, if I hate something, I very easily eliminate it from my life. I hate nuts, so I don't order food with nuts in them. I hate car racing, so I don't watch the Indy 500 on t.v. But with fear, I somehow let it claim a spot next to me like he deserves it and like I have no choice in the matter. It's as if I'm comforted by his presence instead of irritated by it. 

I realize this is my daily struggle and, ultimately, a product of my own personal brand of the sinful nature we all possess. I also know that fear personified is Satan. How can I stand to let Satan court me so closely?

I don't have the answer to how I permanently turn away from fear. What I do know is that today is Good Friday and what a better day to publicly lay down my fears at the feet of my Savior. I know - really know - that Jesus' death and resurrection is the only antidote to my fear but I must be an active participant in regularly casting my cares upon Him. The challenge is that we are not promised a life free of heartache and pain, but my family and I ARE promised an eternity with our Creator reaping the unfathomable rewards of Heaven. Today, I'd like to acknowledge that promise by being obedient in prayer.

So here are my prayers for today, Lord, as I prepare to perpetuate the miracle of life you have graciously given us. I know some of these prayers are bigger than others, and some might seem quite silly in the big picture, but you tell us that you hear them all the same and that's very comforting to me. 

Lord, I pray that:

1. The baby is born completely healthy and experiences no significant health challenges after birth.

2. I do not have to have a C-section or experience any other labor/delivery complications.

3. I will clearly know when to go to the hospital and with enough time for me to get an epidural.

4. Jason is not in school when I do have to go to the hospital and that Bailey is not in the middle of her CRT testing....or that there is enough time for everyone to get where they need to go without too much stress.

5. I am kind to my family and friends even when I am stressed, scared, or in pain. 

6. We are able to effectively balance the needs of our newborn with the needs of Jason's last few weeks of school.

7. Bailey and Nolan do not feel less loved or ignored because of the needs of the baby and that each adjusts well to the changes the baby brings to our lives.

8. We feel good about our choice of a name.

9. I do not have to make difficult choices about work/family balance during my maternity leave due to the big RFP we are expecting to hit the street at any time.

10. My staff feels well-equipped to manage my time away from the office.

11. I do not experience postpartum depression. 

12. I have adequate milk supply and no other major challenges to breastfeeding.

13. Jason and I effectively communicate and nurture our couple relationship despite the ever-changing dynamics of life and family.

14. You will cover us with peace about finances, both during my leave and over the next year.

15. We do not let the small challenges of this phase of life detract from the small joys of our growing family.

16. You help us navigate the minutes and hours should any of the above prayers not be answered to our earthly satisfaction.

Amen.

Is This Really Happening?: 36 Weeks

I blow my own mind when I say it out loud. We are approximately 4 weeks from welcoming Baby Cox #3!

We should probably get serious about picking a name. :-) I don't know why the name has stumped us so much this time. Obviously, there are my rules (which range from valid to ridiculous). A few days ago, Jason pointed out that a difference for us this time around is that we don't have any connection to a name. With Bailey, we were naming her "after" the baby being carried by a firefighter in the infamous OKC bombing picture. We didn't know that child, but we fell in love with the name as a result of spending time with those horrendous images. Then, her middle name, Celeste, is the name of a family member on Jason's side of the family. Nolan is my grandfather, father, and brother's middle name. Then, his middle name, Philip, is Jason's dad's name and Jason's middle name.

Unless we want to use a name like Clarence or Axel, we've now run out of acceptable family names. I guess it just feels like more of a random choice without those connections to tether us to a name. Wish us luck!!

A few weeks ago, we ventured outside to take some DIY maternity pictures. I've never been super interested in baring my stomach for a picture - even when I'm not pregnant - but I'm really trying to embrace every aspect of this (likely) last pregnancy, so I decided to go for it. Now, I wasn't going to actually pay someone to take said pictures, so we asked my mom to play photographer. My only expectation was to capture a few images for us to keep as a reminder of this time in our lives. All in all, I think they turned out okay, with the exception of an extreme glare on some of my super cute props. Booooo! I suppose we are not professional photographers and don't think about these things.

Here are a few of the pics. Enjoy!

Blast From The Past

As a part of my pregnancy craziness, I decided that I desperately needed to compile and organize all our digital pictures and videos to a share site. That way, if anything happens to me (God forbid), no one will have to search through drawers for 15 different jump drives and memory cards in order to put together our photographic history. Granted, digital only dates back to a year or so before Nolan was born, but that's still 6-7 years worth of memories that are now in chronological order and sorted by holiday, age of the kids, etc.

I have to say I am super proud of myself for finally doing this. On a side note, my next crazy moment came when I decided I should try to consign all Bailey's infant clothes. But I digress, as that's a story for another day.

As I completed my picture/video project, I found some fun things I thought I would share here. Love those crazy kids!

This is a precious video of Nolan when he was about 9 months old. He didn't understand why I was holding that strange device in front of my face.

Bailey performing for us. She was either 4 or had just turned 5, so was very near Nolan's current age.

And, finally, a cute video of the kids playing together. I forget how much Bailey used to entertain Nolan!

No Cell Phone For You!

One of my Christmas presents was an iPad mini. It has become the community iPad, as everyone in my family uses it for something. Jason looks up definitions when he's studying, Bailey and Nolan play games, and I play on Facebook and catch up on my blogs/websites.

Jason and I recently discovered that we can text and Face Time between my phone and the iPad but never actually did it after that initial test run. One day last week, the kids were out of school (but I had to work) and I received the following text:

Dear mommy,
Will you please face time me?

Love,
Bailey

I thought it was so sweet that she wanted to talk to me and had figured out how to send me the text. I happily agreed and we had a short conversation and ended the call with me saying I would be headed home soon.

And then Bailey got the text bug and things went downhill from there. I have recreated below the text exchange I had with Bailey before I finally called Jason at home and demanded he remove the iPad from her grubby little fingers!

B: I love you!
K: I love you more!
B: No way!
(brief pause)

B: Text me back!
K: I need to get ready to leave....see you soon.
B: See you too.
(10 minute pause)

B: Where are you?
K: Driving
B: No, I don't mean that, I mean what road are you on?
K: 10th
(pause)

(then she sent me a video)

(pause)
B: Send me a video!
K: Can't...dangerous.
B: Oh, I forgot you were driving. Stop texting!
(pause)

B: There really is no way you can beat me is there?
(I had no idea what she was talking about, so I ignored her.)
(pause)

B: Answer my question. If you don't it would be very rude!
(I ignored her again, as I was on the highway)
(pause)

B: You are being very rude!
(At this point, I was not on the highway and sitting at a red light.)
K: I don't understand what you are asking me.
B: Can you beat me in words?
(I still didn't understand, but just wanted her to quit texting me.)
K: Yes.
B: Oh no you can't!
(pause)

B: Where are you?
(pause)

B: Jhfvhhggttfyi....
(followed by her pushing the return button about 14 times before she sent the text)

And this is when I called Jason to take the iPad away. Geez! I'm never getting this kid a phone!

What Happened to My Feet? AKA 31 Weeks of Pregnancy

Time keeps on ticking by and I find myself with just over 9 weeks until my due date. Of course, a due date is the only day of the year I can be sure I WON'T deliver. Bailey and Nolan were each four days late, so I'm not going to fool myself into thinking it's time to pack my hospital bag at 38 weeks!

That said, my doctor did tell me that I am "ahead" in the upward growth of my uterus. This means I'm carrying higher than I should be based on the number of weeks I've been pregnant. Does this mean anything in terms of my projected delivery date?  Probably not. I personally think the only implication is on my increasing inability to get good, deep breaths. Many days, I just feel like I need to stretch out so that the baby isn't up in my ribs!

Generally speaking, I feel pretty good. I always start the day feeling great, but downgrade to "pretty good" by mid-afternoon. This is largely because I can't tolerate much food and yet I'm not always successful in eating just the right amount to fill my stomach without that one extra bite that's going to result in a feeling like I've just gorged on the largest Thanksgiving dinner you've ever seen. But we're not talking about Thanksgiving dinner; we're talking about a Smart One. I've been trying to eat little bits at a time to mitigate this feeling. Feelings of hunger betray me sometimes, so this is an ongoing struggle.

The baby is extremely active, which is fun sometimes and annoying sometimes. 3 a.m. is when the movement falls into the annoying category. Plus, as I mentioned earlier, I'm carrying quite high so the kicks and jabs tend to be aimed at my ribs most of the time. No matter where he kicks me, sleep is getting a little more elusive. I AM thankful that I do not feel the pressure so many pregnant moms feel when they carry low (knock on wood).

I continue to take Body Pump and Zumba classes and do other cardio exercise 4-5 days a week. I know I'm not working as hard as I used to, but I feel good about my activity level and I'm staying within the guidelines provided by my doctor. I'm not supposed to let my HR get above 140. I negotiated 150 since I find that a brisk walk gets me to 140 pretty easily. I've also continued to do core exercises like crunches on the stability ball or incline bench. While it's perfectly fine (as long as I don't lie flat on my back), I do feel like my belly could just pop while doing them one of these days. :-)

I don't really have any cravings and have continued to try to eat the same healthy meals and snacks I was eating pre-pregnancy. Again, I'm not always successful and partake in a few indulgences here and there. Overall, though, I think I've done a pretty good job not letting myself go crazy just because I'm pregnant. I hope that my exercise and eating habits will contribute to an easier road to lose pregnancy weight than I had with the other kids. I will say I'm not looking forward to stringently monitoring my food intake, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it!

The kids are getting really excited. Bailey told me a few days ago that we really need to have a family meeting to take care of this whole name thing. Ha, ha! She repeatedly reminds me that she wants to go to the hospital with us, even if we go in the middle of the night. It's a really fun experience, as she's old enough to understand what's going on and want to play a big role in the process. She even asked if she could be in the room during the delivery. I'm not sure about this, as I think she'd be traumatized! Nolan seems excited, but he's also much more passive about the whole thing. I think he will do just fine as long as someone continues to pay attention to him (in his world, this means shooting hoops with him a minimum of 2 hours a day!).

That's it for now. I'll post more as I get closer to the big day!

The World According to Nolan

This little interview project wouldn't be complete without including little Nolan. I had to tailor some of the questions due to unfamiliar words and concepts. Regardless, I think you will enjoy his responses!

1. What do you like about being a kid?

Getting to play and watch movies and getting put to bed at night.

2. What do you like to do for fun?

Shoot hoops, of course!

3. Tell me about a funny time in your life.

It was funny in that movie when the kids called their grandpa Fartie instead of Artie. (*Note: This is from Parental Guidance.)

4. What do you love most about your sibling?

That she does things for me and helps me sometimes. I love her.

5. What is the nicest thing you've done for someone?

(*Note: He thought a LONG time before answering.) I can't remember, but ask me again tomorrow. I'll try to do something nice today.)

(*Note: Then he suggested I ask about the naughtiest thing he's ever done.) At my old school, one time I ate someone else's corn dog even though I brought my lunch.

6. What do you think makes a person good-looking?

When they look like my mom. (*Note: Awwwwww.)

7. Name two things you like our family to do on the weekend.

Shoot hoops and eat at Whataburger.

8. What is the grossest thing you can think of?

Eating poop. (*Note: The kid has a point.)

9. What do you think your wife will be like?

She'll be like Phoebe because she WILL be Phoebe.

10. How many kids do you want to have when you grow up?

 (*Note: He put up all 10 fingers, so I asked him if he really wants 10 children. He corrected me, saying he'll have 10 and then 10 more. Ummmm, okay. Perhaps Phoebe's last name is Duggar.)

11. How old is your mom?

65 (*Note: Ouch!)

12. What does your mom do for work?

She makes dollars to put in the bank so we can buy things. (*Note: A pragmatic answer.)

13. What do you like best about your mom?

That sometimes she stays home and spends time with me.

14. How old is your dad?

69 (*Note: At least we're both in our 60's!)

15. How strong is your Dad?

I think he's stronger than anyone except the Hulk.

16. What does your Dad do for work?

He helps sick people.

17. What do you like best about your Dad?

That he plays with me and gets me popcorn at Target.


Oh, man. I love that kid.

Nolan is doing very well in Pre-K. I hate to use the phrase, "much to our surprise," but frankly that shoe fits! As many parents who have a daughter first would agree, Nolan has not historically displayed the same kind of interest in academics as our firstborn. It's hard not to compare, but his teacher (who adores him, by the way) has been quite complimentary of Nolan's intellect and social skills. This makes me happy and carries me through the frustrating moments when he tells me he "forgot" his ABC's.

That said, Nolan is still a little ornery boy. He's been in trouble a few times at school for play fighting (at least we think they were playing), running in the classroom, and throwing things. Each time we get the news from his teacher, we have a talk about the issue at home. It never fails that Nolan's version of the story will include his role as trying to convince the other boys that what they're doing is wrong. Yeah, right....

As you can tell by some of his answers, Nolan is a little love bug. I'm not kidding when I say that he tells me he loves me 15 times each day. He hugs, he kisses, he pats me on the back, and most days he expresses appreciation for things we do for him. Of course, just like most kids, he will turn on us in a second when and if he doesn't get his way! :-) 

We continue to work on a few things, including eating and crying. Relative to eating, he has a new excuse every day for why he can't eat his dinner. Some of his excuses include not being able to chew, his legs hurt, he only liked carrots last week but not this week, it's too spicy (he will inevitably say this about something incredibly un-spicy) and he's still full from lunch. He often stalls by deciding everyone around the table needs a hug or that he needs to go to the bathroom (and then we hear him bouncing the basketball in our bedroom). Now, don't get me wrong, the kid can and does eat certain things but the pool of approved food items is small and most fall within the "junk" category. Jason still feeds him sometimes just to get dinner over with since he's usually sitting at the table long after everyone else is done. I sometimes fear he will go to kindergarten next year and ask his teacher to help him eat his lunch.

Relative to crying, our little Nolan cries about anything and everything. On one hand, he is so happy most of the time and has a smile that can light up a room. But, in a split second he will get incredibly upset about who knows what -  his pants not "going the right way", that it's bath time, or that we're "not listening" (which is his favorite thing to say when we are saying no about something). Usually, his crying jags are short-lived, but they definitely get old. Before his 5th birthday, we were on the countdown to "no crying at 5!" but, alas, my efforts to empower my big boy have not yet worked. Hopefully he will grow out of this before the new baby comes. Perhaps we can pass the crying torch?

Finally, Nolan is a superb athlete. Just like his dad, he seems to just "get" any sport he tries. And he's committed to getting better, which is something I'm not sure you see in a lot of kids his age. Right now he's playing soccer and basketball, but wants to play baseball and run track (who knew a 5 year-old could run track?) soon. Particularly with basketball, he wants to practice non-stop. He watches Kevin Durant do layups and then sets a goal of trying to perfect his own shot to be just like Kevin Durant. This is really fun for Jason! I enjoy watching him excel in sports, but it's a bit of a challenge sometimes when he scores 90% of the team's points each game. At first, all the parents cheer and clap, but by point 18 or 20, the cheers and claps have dissipated and you can tell the other parents are over it. :-) Jason reminds me that he's not doing anything wrong by being good....and he passes when he needs to and listens to his coach....but I still feel like some of the parents may secretly hate us. :-)

In closing, we are blessed to have Nolan in our lives and can't wait to see how he uses his talents in the future!

The World According to Bailey

Since time goes by so quickly and I just as quickly forget what's going on in the here and now, I thought I'd take the opportunity to document some things about each one of the kids. I've seen several parents interview their kids to capture fun anecdotes, so last night I prepared and asked Bailey the following questions. I've typed her answers exactly as she provided them to me.

1. What is your happiest memory?

When I found out my mom is having a baby. Not Nolan, but the new baby.

2. Why do you like about being a kid?

Being young because you have a lot of time until you get old and die.

3. What is one word that best describes you?

Weird!

4. What advice would you give your parents?

That I don’t lie ALL the time. (*Note: As you may be able to tell, we're having an issue right now with those little fibs to get out of trouble.)

5. What do you like to do for fun?

Roller skate.

7. Tell me about a funny time in your life.

Well, one time Mrs. Dobbins made a fart noise with her mouth when she didn't like something someone said, but no one knew it was with her mouth. It was really funny.

8. What do you love most about your sibling?

He likes most of the things I like, except foods. That kid is strange.

9. What is the nicest thing you've done for someone?

One time when we were at the nursing home, I helped a man hold his cookie so he could eat it because he was having a hard time with it.

10. What do you think you will be doing 10 years from now?

Getting all A’s in high school.

11. What do you think makes a person good-looking?

Their eyes.

12. Name two things you like our family to do on the weekend.

Go see movies and shoot hoops.

13. What is the grossest thing you can think of?

Someone eating bugs.
14. What do you think your husband will be like?

He will be a loving person.

15. How many kids do you want to have when you grow up?

3

16. How old is your Mom?

36 (*Note: Ahem, I am not 36 until April 26, thank you very much!) 

17. What is your Mom's favorite color?

Red.

18. What is her favorite TV show?

The show where the women scream at each other. What's it called? (*Note: She means the Real Housewives!)

19. What does your mom do for work?

Helps people with marriages and having babies. (*Note: I'll take it. This explanation is probably just as good as the one others in my family would give.)

20. What do you like best about your mom?

That she’s having another baby.

21. How old is your dad?

39

22. How strong is your Dad?

VERY

23. Where does your Dad work?

Well, right now he works at school and some hospitals for school. And at home.

24. What is Dad's favorite TV show?

That show about digging gold. (*Note: Gold Rush)

25. What is your favorite thing to do with Dad?

Go to movies or go roller skating.

26. What do you like best about your Dad?

That he’s good at every sport.

Well, that was fun.

As I've said before, Bailey is growing up and it's both exciting and scary - for us and for her. She's on the cusp of asking questions that will be the end of some of childhood's magic (SANTA), and has already asked some that are the beginning of her journey to adolescence (SEX). To be honest, I think I handled the latter much better than I will handle the former!

She does very well in school, loves to read, and each of her teachers thus far has shared with us how helpful Bailey is in the classroom, particularly with students who need additional help with their work. I think Bailey takes pride in helping her teachers. Actually, I think she likes helping others in general, as she looks forward to volunteering at the Food Bank, visiting nursing homes, etc. If only we could figure out how to make this work the same way at home!

Bailey is well-liked by her peers, but Bailey is like me in that she does better with one or two good friends into which to invest her time. Many times, though, she matches herself up with the social butterfly type who is a little bit invested in a lot of people, as opposed to a lot invested in a select few. This has yielded a few teary conversations about friendships. I know that this is all a part of the learning process, but I feel for her because I remember those same emotions from my own childhood.

This is also the time when kids start to be concerned about how they look. Bailey hasn't expressed too many concerns just yet, but she did make a passing comment this week that she hates her full lips. Jason and I both reacted with incredulity as this is a feature of hers we, 1) don't know how she got since neither of us have full lips, and 2) think is one of her best features! But, of course, she doesn't care what we have to say on the subject. I'm sure this is just one of many complaints to come in the future.

As for activities, she continues to play basketball and soccer, and she dances jazz and hip hop.  We had a great soccer season as we decided to play her in her own age group (U8), so now she's the oldest kid instead of the youngest. This, coupled with getting on a great team with a great coach, was a good move and she gained a lot of experience and skills. In basketball, she plays co-ed, which we're not sure we like at this age, but she is holding her own against those aggressive boys. She even scored 17 points at her last game! Finally, she loves to dance....it's yet to be determined whether she'll stick with it long-term like I did, but she does well and enjoys it for now.

Finally, this is no surprise if you know her personally, but Bailey is extremely headstrong. This is challenging for us in terms of dealing with back-talk and an otherwise "know-it-all" attitude most of the time. I recently started trying to give her piano lessons and each and every lesson is torture since she's always right and I'm always wrong. :-) This dynamic is something we're working on as a family, but can sometimes overtake our days because we often feel helpless to effectively communicate with her about contentious issues. Parenting ain't easy, folks! While I definitely do not like this part of our journey, I do try to remember that hopefully being headstrong will benefit her when peer pressure starts to enter into the picture!

I guess that's it for now about little Miss Bailey. We love her so very much and know she's going to be a wonderful big sister to the new baby!!