Case in Point

To illustrate what I said a few posts back about everyone having an opinion on your belly.....and feeling free to give it (which is actually the key piece):

1. I went to do a tv interview on KSBI this week and the anchor asked me when I was due. When I told her I had a little over 4 weeks left, she was shocked and kept talking about how that couldn't possibly be true because most pregnant women she's seen at this stage have huge bellies and don't look anywhere near as great as I do. Now, I'm not saying this for any other reason than to point out the irritation caused by the completely opposite sentiment in point #2.

2. Just now, I went to show a co-worker the "I'm a Big Sister" shirt I got for Bailey. We plan to give it to her from the baby. Anyway, in the process of showing her the shirt, she looked at my midsection and said, "God, Kendy. That baby is going to be so huge." How am I supposed to react to that?

The fundamental problem is that people have varying definitions of what is big and what is small. People who've had 6 lb. babies think anything bigger than that is enormous. Others who've had 9 lb. babies think that is par for the course. Now, Bailey was 7 lbs. 13 ozs., so I know I'm not going to have a small baby. But, people need not make you feel like you're going to spit out a baby that could immediately go on the pro weightlifting circuit.

Switching gears.....

Don't call it nesting because it wasn't at all my idea, but Jason and I decided last night to move all the kitchen/dining room furniture and put some elbow grease into cleaning the floors. This started mainly because we've created some scuffs underneath the table from dragging chairs and the area around Scout's doggie dish looked a little grimy. So, we got the bucket with water/soap and a couple of scrub brushes and started in one corner. I have to say that, even though I'm certainly not a clean freak, I regularly mop the floors. Having a dog and a 3-year-old just yields yuckiness. BUT, apparently mopping alone isn't at all sufficient because what we uncovered was just disgusting. Our intention was to just go over each tile to get off the junk that maybe you don't see from a standing position when you're mopping, but it turned into a way different ordeal once we saw what was coming up. I would post a before and after picture of our floors if it wouldn't embarrass me too much. I'd prefer just to let you guys think I really am a clean freak (ha!) and I'm overreacting. But, the simple truth is that we finished about 3/4 of the kitchen last night and had to quit out of sheer exhaustion. The part that is done looks like we just moved in and the undone portion looks like I just poured mud all over it. Of course, it didn't appear to be this dirty when there was no comparison.

What other filth are we living in? This makes me want to burn my house and start over again. I would never even have thought of doing this kind of cleaning and now I'm really wondering what other deep cleaning needs to be done in other parts of my house. I wish I didn't have to work....I'd be home cleaning.

Things That Make Me Laugh Out Loud

I laugh pretty easily (uhhh....just read my previous entries), but there are some things that just push me over the edge. Some of them are "in the moment" kind of things, like watching Monty Python. My husband probably wouldn't even crack a smile at these movies and I might not either if he were my only co-watcher. But, put me in a group with others who appreciate the humor, and I might just have one or more "pee my pants" moments. Other laughable situations or sayings are subtle reminders of my strange sense of humor. Sometimes, I just start laughing at things that aren't that funny, but then I end up laughing at how ridiculous it is that I'm laughing at the non-funny thing. Did you get that?? Smile.

So, without further ado, I present to you a list of things that simply crack me up.


1. http://www.metacafe.com/watch/579435/say_funny_things_to_telemarketers/ Just because.


2. When people boldly sing music lyrics incorrectly and have no idea of the original words. I had a friend from college that would sing along to Sheryl Crow's "All I Wanna Do" and one line was "until the sun comes up over sanna monna couple of vard." I was like, "Jocelyn, did you ever stop to think what the heck is a 'couple of vard?" Of course, I've done the same myself on other songs, so I can't be too judgmental!!! Some other common mistakes I've heard:

Gwen Stefani, Holla Back Girl
Real: I ain't no holla back girl.
Misheard: I ain't no Harlem black girl.

Santana, Smooth
Real: Well, it's a hot one. Like seven inches from the midday sun.
Misheard: Well, it's a hot one. Like seven midgets in the midday sun.

Queen, Bohemian Rhapsody
Real: Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me....
Misheard: The algebra has a devil for a sidekick, meeeeeee....

U2, Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Real: Sunday bloody Sunday
Misheard: Someday buddy, someday

Alanis Morissette, You Oughta Know
Real: An older version of me
Misheard: An older virgin than me

Pearl Jam, Jeremy
Real: Jeremy spoke in class today
Misheard: Jeremy's spoken less today

3. When my daughter butchers words. I know I shouldn't laugh at her but she usually speaks so well that, when words come out a little "off," I can't help myself. I took her to the dentist for the first time a few weeks back and, on the way there she asked, "Are we going to my distant reppointment?"

She also doesn't understand the concept of a highway...she thinks that we're only on the highway when we're driving on an overpass or otherwise "up high." She calls all other roads "lowways." Makes sense, I guess.

She likes to add extra syllables to words. At dance class last week, her teacher had maracas for the kids to use and learn how to keep time with the music. Later, she kept talking about the MACaracas. And, lately, she's been reading a Halloween book that has Frankenstein in it. She calls him FrankenEINstein. Too funny....


4. The Office. I am just over the moon for the character of Michael Scott and his stupid (but brilliant) antics. If you don't watch the show, he's the boss at a small paper company where everyone just hates their jobs. He's constantly trying to display his power, of which he really has none. All the characters speak directly to the camera, because I think the premise is that some group is actually making a documentary or something. Anyway, one of my favorite lines from the show is when Michael is telling the camera how much his employees love him. He holds up a "World's Greatest Boss" coffee cup to illustrate his speech. Then he says, "I got it at Spencer's Gifts." A new favorite line just came this season. I don't remember the episode plot, but Michael says, "I'm not superstitious. I'm just a little stitious." LOVE IT!!!

5. The Royal Tenenbaums. This is another movie that Jason would sit through with a straight face and, in the end, conclude that it was dumb. That's because this movie doesn't have fart or poop jokes. Here are some of my favorite lines:

"You probably don't even known my middle name." "That's a trick question. You don't have one." "It's Helen, dad." "Damn."


"Did you write a suicide note?" "Yes. After I regained consciousness" "Was it dark?" "Well, it was a suicide note."


6. Kathy Griffin. Some people love her, others hate her, and still others love to hate her. I simply love pop culture so her humor hits me in just the right spot. I find it hilarious the way she describes the antics of our favorite IT girls.

I'm sure I could go on forever, but I won't. Hope you enjoyed my little list.

5 Weeks Out

So, I'm officially tired of being pregnant. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of my belly being the focal point and the source of all comments...."You're ready to pop, aren't you?!" "Wow, you're not that big for being as close as you are." Everyone has an opinion, ya know. Strangely, I don't mind it when people touch my belly, but comments like those get to me a bit. I know that it's just conversation, so I try to take it all in stride.


The worst, however, is my mom, who thinks it's funny to use the word FAT simply because she knows how borderline crazy I am about my non-pregnant lifestyle when it comes to my body and food. I'm certainly not like I used to be, but I like to watch what I eat and exercise. I've talked to an also-pregnant friend about this phenomenon (people thinking it's funny to call you fat) and it's a classic case of "you can call a pretty girl ugly, but you can't call an ugly girl ugly." People just get a kick out of teasing us but we read into it too much!


But, back to my mom....she has recently lost a lot of weight (so has my dad), so I think she feels a weird sense of excitement seeing the numbers on her scale go down, while the numbers on mine go up. Anyway, a few weeks ago, Jason commented on how tiny she looks and she said, "Oh, it's just that your wife is so fat right now that I look small in comparison." Seriously......NOT COOL. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out.


I'm also tired of my maternity clothes. Having worn a big chunk of this wardrobe during 2 pregnancies, I'm kind of ready to burn them. My dilemma right now is that it's starting to get cold and I really only have a few long-sleeved shirts and sweaters. And, those particular items were worn during the early part of my pregnancy with Bailey since she was due in August. I was hoping to make it through without any more purchases, but I think I'm going to have to try to find one or two cheap sweaters to make it through the next few weeks. It seems a big waste, but I also don't want to risk flashing the underside of my belly because the shirts I'm wearing are riding up! :-)


I'm also starting to worry about childbirth. Now, I really didn't think I would get uptight about it this time but I unfortunately kind of live my life in "what if" mode. Since EVERYONE AND THEIR DOG acts like your 2nd baby just kind of slides right out (sorry for the crude level), I am convinced that my experience will be quite the opposite. My water broke with Bailey, which was a clear cut indicator of when to go to the hospital. I asked the dr. if there was any more likelihood that the same will happen this time, and she said no. So, I'm worried about contractions.....how will I know when to go to the hospital? Since I didn't have a single contraction prior to my water breaking, the whole timing/pain level formula they give you just seems so foreign to me.


Oh, and the epidural. Geez, the EPIDURAL!!! This is the only extremely vivid memory I have of my first delivery. Everyone told me that this would be no big deal, and I remember looking at my mom with panic in my eyes and vengeance in my heart because I felt betrayed by each and every person who had addressed this with me. It hurt.....BAD. Of course, I'm not at all interested in the alternative, so I will just be content to dread it from now until that time.


Okay, I'm done ranting. As you can tell, my head is in a lot of different places at this point. I'll focus on something a little more mundane next time!

More Tales From the Altar

My family just can't seem to get enough inappropriate church behavior squeezed into our busy lives. This morning started off quite good....Bailey went straight to the nursery without even spending the usual requisite amount of time in the pew with us getting told to "shhhh" every 5 minutes. Since the nursery is really just a room off to the side of the sanctuary with toys, sometimes she comes and goes several times throughout the service. Today, she was playing happily when I went to get her for the children's sermon. She always likes to go up front with grandma but today she wanted me to take her. This made me happy and I was pleased to take her up front. She picked a spot on the altar, and all was well. That is, until she started lifting up her skirt. Now, I know she's only 3 years old and it's kind of cute when little ones do things like this, but since she was sitting RIGHT BESIDE THE PASTOR AND ALL EYES WERE ON HIM (AND HER), I wanted to nip that in the bud. So, I nonchalantly put my hand on the bottom of her skirt and whispered, "We don't lift up our dress in public, sweetie." This evoked a very loud and emphatic (and a little bit picked up by the pastor's lapel mic), "It's not a DRESS, it's a SKIRT!" Well, excuuuuuse me....I guess I have to be spot on with my admonishments or I get chastised by my toddler. Anyway, she kept trying to kick her legs up and show her underwear and I kept trying to subtly keep her from doing it. She caught on pretty quickly and tried to push me away. As a parent of a tantrum-prone toddler, the question always becomes how far you push discipline in situations like this as you don't know whether a little bit will take care of it enough to avoid causing an episode or if even a small gesture will result in full-on screaming. Hearkening back to my previous post about the disastrous choir performance, I spent the next few minutes thinking, "How long IS this children's sermon, anyway??" Fortunately, it ended fairly quickly after that and we all got back to our seats without any more drama.

Then, the next situation arose during communion. The back story here is that I'm ALWAYS a bit nervous about taking communion in the Lutheran church. The churches I've always gone to serve communion at your seat, so I worry about the protocol when I have to go up front....how do I hold my hands, do I eat the bread immediately or keep it until the line can eat together? It seems like, no matter how many times I do it, I still walk up there with a little bit of trepidation. Today, I wasn't too worried about it and I got through it just fine. Then, the pastor came over to me, held his hand up about chest high and started talking. Let me just cut to the chase and say that he was blessing my unborn baby just like he does children who go up there but are not old enough to take communion. BUT, he's never done that before and it took me a minute to figure it out. My thought process was such that I wondered why he was starting whatever he was doing with me and not Jason, who was to my right. And, the way he was holding his hand, I thought (for a fleeting moment) that I was supposed to take his hand. So, once I figured it out, it was amusing to me that I almost shook his hand when he was actually blessing my burgeoning belly. So, after he moved on down the line, I told Jason that I almost ruined a very nice moment by shaking the pastor's hand like a goober....AND HE STARTED LAUGHING AGAIN. I tried really hard, but I laughed, too. Now, this wasn't like last week when we really got out of control. But, the fact that we were at the altar of God and taking communion just made it seem wrong. Good gosh, I think we're being tested....and we might be failing!

Going You Know Where in a Hand Basket...

Jason and I have been frequenting his parent's church recently. It's a long story, but we've become increasingly disillusioned with our church of the past 8 or so years and just don't see it as the place where we want to raise our kids. One reason is that it is SOOOO large....and the straw that broke that particular camel's back came a month or so ago when one of the ushers asked us if we were visiting. Yeah, after 8 years.

Jason's parent's church is Lutheran; I grew up Baptist. Can you imagine there's a difference in worship style? Smile. We've gone there quite a bit, though, because Bailey went to Bible School there this year and LOVED it and the people, the people love and dote on her, and frankly it's a lot easier than spending our Sundays going around and trying out new churches. But, this church is REALLY small - which is both good and bad. The people are so nice and the pastor is a good communicator (which sometimes you don't find in a small church). On the flip side, young people are few and far between. Jason and I have talked about the fact that maybe what God wants for us is to get involved with this church and try to infuse some life into it. But, that's not something to discuss in depth here. I'm not bringing the funny yet but, trust me, I will.

So the thing I struggle with about the church is the music. It's awful. I have yet to recognize a hymn....in fact, Jason and I joke that most of the songs just sound like we are making them up as we go along. Praise songs, I feel, would just not be accepted. Coming from a Baptist background and then going to an evangelical church for most of my adult life means that I appreciate great music. It's such a part of the worship experience for me.

That's the background - probably too much, but I want you to appreciate where my story is coming from. This morning, about halfway through the service, the pastor announced that the choir was going to share a special performance. Now, this choir is about 10 people and I'm not sure, but I think the pastor is also the director. He sings with them in any case (and has a very nice voice, I must add). As they began, the first problem was the pianist. I've noted over time that she plays both the piano and the organ and she doesn't really have enough skill to actually do either well. I haven't yet mentioned that she's 1/2 deaf....that's not a joke, she really is. As she was accompanying the choir, she was also trying to direct the singers with one of her hands, which means she was really just playing chords with the other. At this point, I was already concerned with where this performance was going and they had only sung a few bars. This is when stuff really started happening.

The first indicator that things were going south was that the pianist seemed to get lost in her music and she stopped playing for a moment. I don't think she could quite keep her music book on the piano what with the directing and chord-playing. The choir, or at least the most gregarious of singers, tried to compensate by singing louder. Then, it was like various members of the choir also got lost and were either singing from the wrong page or were just standing there holding their music. But, it was like the worse things got, the louder and more off-key some people started singing. It was a symphony of disaster and I half expected them to stop, have a little laugh and start over. So, I was sitting there mentally deciding whether to feel sorry for them or to find it really funny, when my husband starting the shaking. Have you ever been caught in the "inappropriate laugh?" This may come at a funeral or in an important meeting - a place where you're supposed to be very quiet and respectful. My experience has been that the inappropriate laugh fits tend to find me in church. I remember one Christmas the entire family was home on Christmas Eve and we went to my parent's church for service. They had brought in a guy who played bagpipes...in a kilt. My brothers and I were beyond out of control. We kept looking around and wondering, "Doesn't anyone else think this is freakin hilarious?" Maybe not. Maybe we're just jerks.

Well, the inappropriate laugh fits found Jason this morning BIG TIME. At first, it was just the silent shaking but, when I looked over to see if he was okay, of course I starting laughing too. They are, after all, contagious. And I maintain that it's never ME that starts these things...I'm just an unwilling accomplice. At first, I thought the fit would be brief, but every few seconds brought on another fit and it was clear that Jason and I needed to be separated like 3rd graders. We spent the next however many minutes (how long IS this song? I kept wondering) alternately dying with laughter, trying to hide it, breaking down again and chastising each other for not being able to get it under control. Because, you know, I'm sure everyone in the church knew we were out of control. Even the silent laugh seems loud in church.

Someone stopped the choir in the middle of the song so they could regroup, but I don't even remember that part. I only remember the crying and the sweating that resulted from our episode. And then, once it was over and I felt a wave of relief, I almost started again when the pastor very eloquently and sincerely (and IMMEDIATELY following the performance) thanked all of the servants of the church for giving of their talents.

We may not be welcomed back....

Picture Time!

Little Bailey has started dance classes. My mom got her all of her clothes and shoes for her birthday, and she's been so excited to start ballet and tap!!! She's still very young, so I'm trying not to be a stage mom and just let her have fun. The studio put up a closed circuit tv this past Saturday, so I got to watch her tap class. Well....all I can say is that she's having fun!!! Smile. There are only 2 kids in her class right now and I almost think that's all the teacher can handle. She even has an assistant and they both work really hard throughout the class. It seems that, at this age, sometimes one of the kids (cough*Bailey*cough) needs some special attention. She's only been to 4 classes so far, but I'm already preparing myself for the big recital at the end of the year. My inner voice says the following: "It's OKAY if my kid is the one that refuses to actually dance during her number and stares at the floor the whole time!" Actually, I don't think that will be the case. If anything, she'll just run wildly around the stage and do her own version of the choreography while the other little girl perfectly executes the movements from her designated place on the stage.

My father would be so proud of her equestrian skills!! We went to a small circus in Piedmont last week and shelled out the $4 for her to ride this pony in a circle for a few times. Riding the ponies is her favorite thing to do...she has done it at the Orr Family Farm, the fair (a couple of times) and now the circus. The girl has no fear about stuff like this - you might notice she's the only kid on any of the horses. That's because all the other kids started to cry. Not Bailey! She yelled "Look at me!!" the whole time. She also wanted to ride the elephant, but we drew the line after the pony. I think this decision was mainly because none of the adults really wanted to hoist ourselves up onto a huge elephant to go with her.

Bailey hardly ever gets sick, but this picture captures a recent bout with a stomach bug. Doesn't she look pathetic?? We were supposed to go to her friend Brody's birthday party that day and I think she was almost more upset about not being able to go than the fact that she didn't feel good. Fortunately she didn't have to use that bowl you see (as you can tell, I picked a really ugly one in case I couldn't stomach to clean it out and just decided to throw it away instead!!!).

I don't know why this is so funny to me. Most nights I'll go in and check on Bailey when I'm retreating to bed. Usually, she has been in bed for a couple of hours by that time. Several times we've found her in weird positions and I just wonder what went through her mind in the process of settling there. If you can't tell, she is sleeping at the foot of the bed with her comforter folded backward to cover her. She has also recently ditched traditional pillows...she'll either sleep without one at all or just bunch up (as she has here) a stuffed animal and sleep on top of it. Silly girl!

This is Bailey in her new big girl car seat. I agonized over changing from the 5-point harness, because I know it's safer, but the car seat we had was just getting too tight for her. Knowing that bulky sweater season is on its way sealed the deal for me on transitioning to the booster. She LOVES her new seat - I think she was so used to the feeling of complete immobility in her old one that this one is so comfy. However, we learned a few important lessons on the first day of using it. My mother-in-law discovered, 1) that she can (and did) open the car door from the new side position. Unfortunately she did this while on the highway, which was scary for both Jeanne and Bailey. We obviously can activate the child safety on the door, but we just weren't prepared for that since she's always been in the middle where she can't even reach the doors. We moved her to the side location to make room for the infant car seat that will soon be installed. The other thing we learned is that Bailey can just undo the seat belt. Jeanne stopped in the mall parking lot, got out of the car and proceeded to walk around the back of the car to the other side to get Bailey....the way she always does it. When she got there, Bailey had already unbuckled herself and exited the car and was on her way across the parking lot. So, needless to say, we've had to adapt to the new car seat AND have had numerous conversations with her about the 2 things she can never do in her new car seat. :-)

We went to a friend and co-worker's wedding last weekend. Since we were dressed up, I seized the opportunity to have someone take a picture of all of us. As you can see, Bailey still hasn't quite mastered the "smile on cue" thing in all situations. Oh well, at least we have one recent picture of us together. I almost wish you could pan to the right a tiny bit....you would be able to see the edge of the groom's cake where Bailey took "just a tiny lick, mommy." She did it so quickly that we couldn't stop her. Oh, well!!!